7 Reasons Men Shouldn't Babysit

http://sofinesjoyfulmoments.com/humo...uldntBBsit.htm

The Three-Kick Rule


A big-city lawyer from Washington DC went duck hunting in the South
Carolina low country. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a
farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on
his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The attorney responded,
"I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to
retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys
in the country, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue
you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
do things in South Carolina. Down here we settle small disagreements
like this with the 'Three-Kick Rule'."

The lawyer asked, "Just what IS the Three-Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times, and then
you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone
gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the
local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up
to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy
work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly wiped the lawyer's nose off his face. The
attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to
the kidney area nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned
every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet, and said,
"Okay, you old coot, now it's MY turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

> CHINESE PROVERBS
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who run in front of car get tired.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who run behind car get exhausted.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man with one chopstick go hungry.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who scratch ass should not
>
> bite fingernails.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth."

HOOOAHHH

Subject: The Rules of Bedroom Golf
>
>
> * Each player shall furnish his own equipment, normally one
> club and two balls.
> * Playing on a course must be approved by the owner of the
> hole.
> * Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the
> hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
> * For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
> Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
> * Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of
> the club to avoid damage to the hole.
> * The object of the game is take as many strokes as necessary
> until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do
> so
> may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
> * It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole
> immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will take
> time to admire the course, with special attention to the well-formed
> bunkers.
> * Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
> played on or are currently playing.
> * Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just
> in case.
> * Players should assure themselves that their match has been
> properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the
> first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they
> discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
> * Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at
> all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be
> temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in
> this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play
> when
> this is the case.
> * Players are advised to obtain the course owner*s permission
> before attempting to play the back nine.
> * Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared
> to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the owner*s
> request.
> * It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting,
> to play the same hole several times in one match.
> * The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best
> player.
> * Players are advised to think twice before considering
> membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the
> course owner and the rules are subject to change without notice. For this
> reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again." One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college. Mrs. Smith replied, "Yes, he is my husband." Well that set off a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the whole class to discuss their fears about learning the subject. Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she heard from these girls and replied, "I don't know how you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only tried it twice in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick, and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit."

A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school. On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates." "Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big
> > "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
> >
> > The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
> >
> > The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Missouri."
> >
> > Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
> > tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
> >
> > His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After
> > the store was locked up, the boss
> > came down.
> >
> > "How many customers bought something from you today?
> >
> > The kid says "one".
> >
> > The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30
> > customers a day.
> >
> > How much was the sale for?"
> >
> > The kid says "$101,237.65."
> >
> > The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
> >
> > The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold
> > him a medium fishhook.Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then
> > I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going
> >fishing and he said
> > down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we
went
> >down to the
> > boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he
said
> >he didn't
> > think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
> >automotive
> > department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."
> >
> > The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you
> > sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
> >
> > The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his
> > wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go
> > fishing.'"

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'

1. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all tried out for the same job as road stripers. The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job. At the end of the first day, the redhead had painted 3 miles, the brunette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had painted 10 miles. The boss was so excited he told her to keep it up and the job was hers. The next day, the redhead painted 5 miles and the brunette 5.6 miles and the blond 4 miles. He told her not to worry, she still had a good lead. But, on the third day the redhead had painted 6 miles, the brunette 5 miles and the blonde only one mile.
The boss was so disappointed, he asked the blonde, "What went wrong, you were doing so well". She said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away."




2. A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are riding across the desert in a car when it breaks down. Having no mechanical skills, they decide they will have to walk back to town. Each decides what they will take along to help keep cool on their hot journey.

"I'll bring a thermos of water in case we get thirsty along the way," said the redhead.

"I'll bring an umbrella to shield us from the sun," said the brunette.

"I'll bring the car door," said the blonde with some pride in her choice.

"The car door?" the others asked in puzzlement. "Yes," confirmed the blonde. "That way, if we get too hot, we can roll down the window."




3. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were riding in a car when they ran a stop sign, and a cop started chasing them. They had managed to get a little ahead of the pursuing arm of the law when they saw three burlap bags lying in the ditch beside the road. Stopping the car, each of them got into one of the bags.

The cop finally caught up with them and saw the empty car. Noticing the three bags, he approached the bag with the brunette in it and kicked it. The brunette said "Meow, Meow." The cop said, "Oh, there's a kitty in this bag."
Then, he kicked the bag with the redhead in it, and she said, "Arf, Arf." The cop said, "Aw, there's a puppy in this bag."
Finally, he went up to the bag containing the blonde and kicked it, and she said, "Potato."

HER DIARY:

Saturday night: I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet
at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day long, so
I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he kept quiet and absent. I asked
him what was wrong, he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that
he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior, I don't know why he didn't say I
love you too.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to
do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant
and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About ten minutes later he
came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress, and we made
love. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were
somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided
to confront him with the situation, but he had fallen asleep. I started
crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a
disaster.





HIS DIARY:

Played a horrible game of golf today! Shot a 95. Can't putt for ****.
Got laid though.

Why dogs are better than wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
6. A dog's parents never visit.
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
11. Dogs can't talk.
12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.
25. Dogs are not allowed in Tiffany's or Neiman-Marcus.
26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff

Top 30 Things You'll Never Hear a Southern Boy Say
30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling's fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C: drive.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate.
6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite college team.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving.

The answer to an age old question....

Attached Thumbnails

 

Haha, good stuff. I got a short one from the great comedian Mitch Hedberg. RIP. It's probably better said by him, and at appropriate times, but here goes.

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out-of-order" sign, just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the inconvenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get to where you need to be."