Need a good laugh?

GBG · 01-18-2006, 08:50 AM

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just
pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer

superdave · 01-18-2006, 11:31 AM

These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

superdave · 01-18-2006, 07:19 PM

so, I guess, you can be Dixie and sexy.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really, " he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

GBG · 01-19-2006, 07:45 AM

Hahahahaha. Good one.

superdave · 01-19-2006, 04:53 PM

Peyton Manning died and went to heaven.
God said, "Peyton, I am a great football fan so I am giving you a great honor. You will have your own house here in heaven." God showed him a modest house with a small Colts flag in the window. Peyton was pleased until he looked up the hill and saw a massive black and gold mansion, with terrible towels in every window and a huge Steeler flag outside. Peyton said, "God, I don't like to complain, but how come I have such a small house and Ben Roethlisberger has such a big mansion?" God replied, "That is not Ben's house! That's where I live."

GO STEELERS!!!

GBG · 01-20-2006, 03:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by superdave

Peyton Manning died and went to heaven.
God said, "Peyton, I am a great football fan so I am giving you a great honor. You will have your own house here in heaven." God showed him a modest house with a small Colts flag in the window. Peyton was pleased until he looked up the hill and saw a massive black and gold mansion, with terrible towels in every window and a huge Steeler flag outside. Peyton said, "God, I don't like to complain, but how come I have such a small house and Ben Roethlisberger has such a big mansion?" God replied, "That is not Ben's house! That's where I live."

GO STEELERS!!!

Pffft! old joke! That was supposed to be a house of Green and Gold....

superdave · 01-20-2006, 05:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GBG

[/indent]Pffft! old joke! That was supposed to be a house of Green and Gold....

Listen here, Radar. My dad sent me that joke and he's old too. Speaking of dads, I'm old enough to be yer's so watch it or i'll...

GBG · 01-23-2006, 08:38 AM

spank me?

GBG · 01-23-2006, 09:33 AM

Three Wishes

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer -- are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also be a farmer. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq, and Iran, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."

The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."

superdave · 01-23-2006, 12:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GBG

spank me?

ok

GBG · 01-23-2006, 01:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by superdave

ok

In your dreams, Gramps!

Well, unless........

Nevermind. You'd probably keel over from a heart attack.

superdave · 01-23-2006, 02:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GBG

In your dreams, Gramps!

Well, unless........

Nevermind. You'd probably keel over from a heart attack.

Gramps??? pleease. I AM a skill position player. Though I might not be as good as I once was...I'm as good once as I ever was.
Love the smiley.

GBG · 01-25-2006, 08:49 AM

First-year students at OSU's Veterinary School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In veterinary medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is not to be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body.
The Professor then pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the dead cow's butt, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitating for several minutes; but, eventually, took turns sticking a finger in the dead cow's butt and then sticking it in their mouths.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

Mike · 01-25-2006, 07:45 PM

Farwood

"Hello, is this 'ere the Sheriff's office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes in his farwood 'n' hidin' mar'juana in it!"

"Thank you very much for the call sir."

The next day the Sheriff and his deputies descend on Virgil Smith's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This 'ere's Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they split yer farwood?"

"Yup!"

"Happy Birthday ol' buddy!!"

Who says rednecks aren't real bright?

Beermutts · 01-26-2006, 07:22 PM

A woman went to her boyfriend's parent's house for Christmas Dinner.

This was her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman began to feel a little

discomfort.

Thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole, the gas pains were almost

making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decided to relieve herself a

bit and let out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.Before she even had a

chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had

been snoozing under the woman's chair, andsaid in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"

The woman thought, this is great and a big smile came across her face.A couple of

minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.This time she didn't even

hesitate. She let a much louder and longer"rrri! iippp"The father again looked at the

dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!".Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!"

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.

This time she didn't even think about it.She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit

Skippy", get away from her, before she shits on you!"

Send this to someone who needs a laugh.

Greg · 01-26-2006, 09:00 PM

What happens when you have an odd 12 year old kid in the room (didn't actually happen)

After Frank upset him, Jon said to Frank "You're Gay." Frank laughed and said "I think you're confusing me with your dad." This confused Jon...

"Which One?"

DFrank9 · 01-26-2006, 09:02 PM

wat? and im taking offense to that caus im 12!!!!!!!!!!

Greg · 01-26-2006, 09:17 PM

Ooops... It was just a joke...

DFrank9 · 01-26-2006, 09:17 PM

all right i thought you were directing it at me

GBG · 01-27-2006, 07:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dfrank9

all right i thought you were directing it at me


01-19-2006, 04:53 PM	#45
superdave Erudite Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: The Lake Posts: 4,773 vCash: 149723 Donate Blog Entries: 5	Peyton Manning died and went to heaven. God said, "Peyton, I am a great football fan so I am giving you a great honor. You will have your own house here in heaven." God showed him a modest house with a small Colts flag in the window. Peyton was pleased until he looked up the hill and saw a massive black and gold mansion, with terrible towels in every window and a huge Steeler flag outside. Peyton said, "God, I don't like to complain, but how come I have such a small house and Ben Roethlisberger has such a big mansion?" God replied, "That is not Ben's house! That's where I live." GO STEELERS!!!


01-23-2006, 09:33 AM	#49
GBG Outlaw Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Augusta, Georgia Posts: 7,526 vCash: 265371 Donate	Three Wishes Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer -- are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also be a farmer. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq, and Iran, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable." The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."

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01-18-2006, 08:50 AM	#41
GBG Outlaw Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Augusta, Georgia Posts: 7,526 vCash: 265371 Donate	A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer


01-18-2006, 11:31 AM	#42
superdave Erudite Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: The Lake Posts: 4,773 vCash: 149723 Donate Blog Entries: 5	These are things that people actually said in court, word for word. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: How old is your son-the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? Q: Did he kill you? Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q: How many times have you committed suicide? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.


01-18-2006, 07:19 PM	#43
superdave Erudite Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: The Lake Posts: 4,773 vCash: 149723 Donate Blog Entries: 5	so, I guess, you can be Dixie and sexy. A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago". He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really, " he said, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."


01-19-2006, 07:45 AM	#44
GBG Outlaw Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Augusta, Georgia Posts: 7,526 vCash: 265371 Donate	Hahahahaha. Good one.


01-23-2006, 08:38 AM	#48
GBG Outlaw Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Augusta, Georgia Posts: 7,526 vCash: 265371 Donate	spank me?


01-25-2006, 08:49 AM	#53
GBG Outlaw Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Augusta, Georgia Posts: 7,526 vCash: 265371 Donate	First-year students at OSU's Veterinary School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In veterinary medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is not to be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body. The Professor then pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the dead cow's butt, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitating for several minutes; but, eventually, took turns sticking a finger in the dead cow's butt and then sticking it in their mouths. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."


01-25-2006, 07:45 PM	#54
Mike who me? Admin Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: L.A. (Lower Arkansas) Posts: 30,006 vCash: 14556924 Donate Blog Entries: 18	Farwood "Hello, is this 'ere the Sheriff's office?" "Yes. What can I do for you?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes in his farwood 'n' hidin' mar'juana in it!" "Thank you very much for the call sir." The next day the Sheriff and his deputies descend on Virgil Smith's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This 'ere's Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!" "Did they split yer farwood?" "Yup!" "Happy Birthday ol' buddy!!" Who says rednecks aren't real bright?


01-26-2006, 07:22 PM	#55
Beermutts Outlaw Premium Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: RavensTown Posts: 2,443 vCash: 239573 Donate	A woman went to her boyfriend's parent's house for Christmas Dinner. This was her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman began to feel a little discomfort. Thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole, the gas pains were almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decided to relieve herself a bit and let out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, andsaid in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!" The woman thought, this is great and a big smile came across her face.A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.This time she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer"rrri! iippp"The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!".Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it.She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy", get away from her, before she shits on you!" Send this to someone who needs a laugh.


01-26-2006, 09:00 PM	#56
Greg Winner 6/8/08 PotD Join Date: Sep 2004 Posts: 1,724 vCash: 51363 Donate	What happens when you have an odd 12 year old kid in the room (didn't actually happen) After Frank upset him, Jon said to Frank "You're Gay." Frank laughed and said "I think you're confusing me with your dad." This confused Jon... "Which One?"


01-26-2006, 09:02 PM	#57
DFrank9 Outlaw Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: IL Posts: 2,943 vCash: 46 Donate	wat? and im taking offense to that caus im 12!!!!!!!!!!


01-26-2006, 09:17 PM	#58
Greg Winner 6/8/08 PotD Join Date: Sep 2004 Posts: 1,724 vCash: 51363 Donate	Ooops... It was just a joke...