Lil Franky was talking to his 7th grade teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

Lil Franky stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

Lil Franky said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

Lil Franky replied, "Then you ask him ".

One day Lil Franky was sitting and watching his mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.

He suddenly noticed that his mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

He looked at his mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

His mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong andmake me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.

"Lil Franky thought about this revelation for a while and then said "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children in Lil Franky’s class had all been photographed, and the 7th grade teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,'
or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'


A small voice (Lil Franky’s) at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile
apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

My wife and I were walking down the street one afternoon, when we happened across a stray dog that was extremely busy licking his balls.

I says to the old lady.. "Dang, I wish I could do that!!!"

She says.. "Don't you think you should pet him first?"

3 brand new nuns were standing in line at confession looking rather nervous, fresh out of the seminary.

1st nun strolls over, sits down, and reveals to her Priest.."Forgive me, father for I have sinned.. I inadvertantly looked upon a man's penis and then touched it in a moment of physical weakness..."

After a second or 2 of silence, the Priest replies.. "Young sister, you have a long path left in this life, and this is but a minor transgression. Perform 2 Hail Mary's and drip some of this holy water across your eyelids." And he indicated the small ornately carved basin in the corner.

As the 2nd nun starts forward, the 3rd nun grabs her shoulder to pull her aside and walk past. Looking over her shoulder, she whispers: "You better let me gargle before you douche..."

6 Affairs to remember



>
> The 1st Affair:
>
> A married man was having an affair with his
> secretary. One day they went her place and made love
> all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke
> up at 8 PM.
>
> The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take
> his shoes outside
> and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his
> shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife
> demanded.
>
> "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an
> affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
>
> "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
>
>
> The 2nd Affair:
>
> A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but
> always talked about having a son. They decided to try
> one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife
> got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The
> joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new
> son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever
> seen.
> He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father
> of this baby. Look
> at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you
> been fooling around behind my back?"
>
> The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
>
>
> The 3rd Affair:
>
> A mortician was working late one night. He examined
> the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and
> made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest
> private part he had ever seen!
> "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I
> can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive
> private part. It must be saved for posterity."
>
> So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and
> took it home.
>
> "I have to show you something you won't believe," he
> said to his wife,
> opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed,
> "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
>
>
> The 4th Affair:
>
> A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her
> husband opening the front door.
> "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
> She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him
> with talcum powder.
> "Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend
> you're a statue."
> "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the
> room.
> "Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought
> one and I liked it
> so much I got one for us, too."
>
> No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
>
> Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen
> and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he
> said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for
> two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned
> thing."
>
>
> The 5th Affair:
>
> > A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and
> ordered a beer.
> "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?"
> the man thought.
> He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a
> nice juicy steak and bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the
> barman replied.
> "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who
> owns this place?"
> The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The
> man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
> The bartender replied,
> "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
> >
> >
> > The 6th Affair:
> >
> > Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He
> looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must
> confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied.
> "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept
> with your sister, your best friend, her best friend,
> and your mother!"
> "I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let
> the poison work."

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through
she leans over to her husband and says, " I just had a silent fart what
do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really
rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of
your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll
be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You may have to
satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided with a two-bedroom
apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy, wide-eyed, says "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well . . . . you started it."

Flat Tummy

Lil Franky walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom see's her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dress's quickly and goes to find him.

Lil Franky see's his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time." says the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Yo mama's so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said "concentrate".
Yo mama's so stupid, she has 1 toe & bought a pair of flip flops
Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
Yo mama's so stupid, she asked me what yield meant. I said "Slow down" and she said "What... does.... yield... mean?"
Yo mama's so stupid, she put a phone up her butt and thought she was making a booty call.
Yo mama's so stupid, she put on her glasses to watch 20/20.
Yo mama's so stupid, she climbed over a glass wall to see what was behind it.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Grape Nuts was an STD.
Yo mama's so stupid, she climbed a chain link fence to see what was on the other side.
Yo mama's so stupid, she failed a survey.
Yo mama's so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go.
Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building, but she got lost on the way down. .
Yo mama's so stupid, she told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk."
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought brownie points were coupons for a bake sale.
Yo mama's so stupid, when the computer said "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the 'Any' key.
Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her jumping up and down, asked what she was doing, and she said she drank a bottle of medicine and forgot to shake it.

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mello Yello. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.

Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.

He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!

So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off...confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.

He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eyes, bends over, and lets out a most foul-smelling fart. She leaves the stunned women in a cloud of funk, saying "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.


While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.


After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "Sorry about that, I just didn't recognize you!"

25 Signs you've grown up
Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.



Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.



You keep more food than beer in the fridge.



6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.



You hear your favorite song in an elevator.



You watch the Weather Channel.



Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."



You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.



Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."



You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door

won't turn down the stereo.



Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.



You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.



Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.



You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.



Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.



You take naps from noon to 6 PM



Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.



Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,

rather than settle, your stomach.



If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid,

not condoms and pregnancy tests.



A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."



You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.



"I just can't drink the way I used to"

replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."



90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.



You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.



You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to

you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.




none of them are me!!

A blonde owned a small business that she was about to lose, so she went to the church and prayed: "God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business."

She didn't win.

So the next day she was about to lose her business and her car. She went to the church to pray: "God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business and my car."

Still, she didn't win.

So the next day she was about to lose her business, her car and her house. She went to the church to pray: "God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business, my car and my house."

Then suddenly the blonde was surrounded by a blinding white light, and she heard the booming voice of God declare, "Buy a ticket!!!"

A Blonde was driving down the road, and spotted another Blonde in the middle of a hayfield rowing a boat. She stopped the car, got out and went to the shoulder of the road, and yelled, "You know, it's blondes like you that give blondes a bad name!, and if I could swim I would come out there and kick your ass!"

12 Reasons to Laugh



Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping..." Now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.



Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Why do you have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier!!"

Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.